GaGa

2006-06-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

You are absolutely right. I can't be more alone than I already am.

2006-03-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

to die to sleep

or maybe

to sleep to die

won't make any difference at this point

2006-02-27T09:43:00.000-08:00

Russian Mardi Gras's coming
-Maslenitsa

yey:)

2006-02-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

Spring is here - off with the bra!!!

Jeff Buckley, whiskey and a nice bath. Ella, if you want.

But off with the bra.

2006-02-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

yey, my parents got an elliptical trainer today. awesome.

NYC -I love you. I know you remember me sweating my ass off at Crunch Fitness every day for 2 months. I know you remember me hungry,thirsty and mad, confused and wicked happy.

God, I love you so much. I'm gonna come back, promise.

2006-02-20T09:10:00.000-08:00

Seeking our true Selves, we get stripped of all those occasional aspects that determine our guises and find our Egos somewhat completely depersonalized in a sort of inner existential center, like a mathematical point or the sharp end of a needle... And now there's a creature I love before me. I love, means, basically, that I know this creature does exist and want him/her to exist with all my will. My love, however, is not satisfied by assertion of his/her profound existentiality; it recognizes all the covers and membranes of this creature. Each trace of the beloved one is loved. Is it not an even greater truth that all those outer particularities which I have rejectedand condemned as random and unsubstantial in myself, I have not simply forgiven in my beloved but blessed to the very last atom of his/her embodied life?

Vyacheslav I. Ivanov

Today's English class.

I love you, too, guys. And don't forget that I have feelings as well.

2006-02-19T13:06:00.000-08:00

you ask people to do complicated things and they tell you they don't understand
you ask one person to do one simple thing...

2006-02-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

I CAN SKATE

sounds better than "I can fly"
that truly was a big achievement for me, since today I skated for the first time in my life.
Ironically enough, living in the country of snow and bears I finally decided to go to a skating rink at the age of 21.

a couple of bruises, but if I did this, I can do everything now!!!

=)

yey, Adny, I do kick dolphin's ass

2006-02-18T01:51:00.000-08:00

Spring has come yesterday

and i got my phone fixed. FINALLY

oh, and thank you, God, for sticking around:)

2006-02-12T12:18:00.000-08:00

regrets?

there's no point in talking about pain when you left somebody or have been left.

you will find out if you made the right decision only later. that is the time for regrets to come.

people break up for a reason and meet by chance, but what if it all happens vice versa? then what's the point in something you've just done?

i will find out if i made the right decision only later. that is the time for regrets to come.

and what is ... anyway in what i've just done?

2006-02-08T12:59:00.000-08:00

I thought it happens only in the movies

Never thought that one touch can bring 6 years of my life back, can bring all my teenage hopes and aspirations, all the passion and romance of the first love.

when nothing is said or done, when one and one still is one, there's this part of me that came back to sit and talk to me for a couple of hours. and that is a lot, for to most people this other part of them never comes back.

Dear me,

I hope it was not good bye. I love you. Never thought I'd say that to you, but I want you to be coming to visit me from time to time. I have missed you and always will. Please don't forget me, no matter where you are, just don't.

Remember those jeans of yours, and the pink dress, and the rain and the waiting? I do. And I don't want to forget.

Dear, wonderful, precious me, I'm floating on air because of you now. Keep in touch.

Later,
...

2006-02-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

Tinctura Valerianae

Hey, GaGa?

I've heard what you're up to. It's high time you decided what type of relationship you want (if any) and with whom. Having to choose between your past, present and future is really hard, I know, but I also know you can make it.

Hooking up with people of all ages, sexes and races might be a good thing. You start forgetting the past as well as the future (like in that movie).

So ready or not - here I come. There's more sex in me, and more control over the passions (both the past and the present ones): maybe I finally decided to keep the explosion for the future. Where's IAEA, I wonder? I might as well be an alternative source of energy. The discovery is that I can as well be a source of energy for myself, and the powerstation where by POWER I actually mean it, the ability to be strong and resolute in what I am doing. Confidence and sex appeal are not one's innate characteristics, but a matter of hard work.

Passion? Well, in that field I'm gonna try myself tomorrow

-insomniac- i'm coming to grips with my consciuosness and desires. high time. tinctura valerianae has been helping me out, too. that's certainly a big surprise.

Adny, there's more brokenheartedness to come, but this time i'm gonna fight it. promise:) or expect me drunk and looking for the Dumpling Man again soon

2006-01-26T10:01:00.000-08:00

thetoday - not hungover

yesterday - drunk

kissing my heterosexual groupmates drinking Fidel's beard - one after another. Fidel's doing to turn what, 80, like tomorrow?

should have made a wish: 2 Dans - a married ex-boyfriend on the one hand and a potential - on the other, walking a drunk olga home, and getting worried, never married, not to me

It was what we call Tatyana's Day and Students' Day, all in one.

in any case, regardless of how flawed I am, we're not going to deprive a 3-year-old child of her father. no. or are we?

later, computer

and i'm planning on getting rewasted soon, so, see you there

2006-01-23T09:46:00.000-08:00

Если сердце молчит - не значит всё прошло

So here's to you, my 21 -year-old girlfriends getting married and getting pregnant, getting engaged and choosing names to your unborn babies...

Men take up women's last names in Russia (Since when?), those uncircumcised 1-brain-cell human beings who will start abusing their now beautiful fiancees.

here's to you! having grown up among you, i keep loking for love in all the wrong places.

out there to get my heart broken

And is it my fault that I don't want to be like you and eventually will end up an alcoholic in a ditch? Or better say in a Moscow prison exposed to the lesbian fantasies and not so lesbian militsia dicks...

here's to the male fantasies and my ex-boyfriends!
here's to those who have made wrong decisions and those who regret. T-H-I-N-G-S

still don't undertsand while every woman or man who's got brains enough to distinguish an A from a B thinks herself/himself a poet and has a stupid blog similar to this one. mediocre, like MEDICARE

and it is also nice sometimes to unplug all the elctronic devices in your house and see how it all is going to work without power

2006-01-21T12:55:00.000-08:00

I'm glad you got the job, honey pie!!!

I'm very proud of you! And I love you!

2006-01-20T11:15:00.000-08:00

por toda a minha vida

Minha bem amada
Quero fazer de um juramento uma canção
Eu prometo, por toda a minha vida
Ser somente teu e amar-te como nunca
Ninguém jamais amou, ninguém
Minha bem amada
Estrela pura, aparecida
Eu te amo e te proclamo
O meu amor, o meu amor
Maior que tudo quanto existe

2006-01-17T13:56:00.000-08:00

love IREX

I just got back from Moscow and I'm going there again soon (January, 28) to attend one of IREX's training seminars: "The Art of Public Speaking".

Does Olga-the-big-mouth need that?

Sure. I guess I'll need some advice from Tyler on where I can get free Smirnoff Ice on the 28th,too :)

I'm about to finish reading that book on Khodorkovsky - it's pretty damn fascinating. I'll tell you all about it when I'm done. Meanwhile check out http://khodorkovsky.ru/, you can find some excerpts there btw.

2006-01-17T11:04:00.000-08:00

- 33 C

Frozen here in Russia. God, I thought it CAN'T possibly be that cold.
School's cancelled for tomorrow (not only for school kids, but for the college students as as well)!

And this is, btw - 27 F.

Last time we had -40 C was in 1978. And that was a looooooong time ago.

So guys, I'll need all your love, support, and, warmth, I guess...

Later,
if I survive in the coldness

2006-01-16T06:09:00.000-08:00

So today was funny.

We had this debate sort of thing today during my English class. At some point we were to give a definition of a hero. I was "smart" enough to bring up Khodorkovsky. So anyway, there was this big argument and I got very excited, and at some point I said, "Well, see Tyl..." I got used to you being around all the time, and I already miss you.

You're everywhere in my life now, no exit. What was even funnier was that a minute ago they showed on TV this building in Moscow they had just finished. Remember that pretty one near Arbat. So all the G-8 sessions in Russia are going to take place there; it looks even better on the inside.

Anyway, enjoy Canada... good warm Canada

It was 0 C this past midnight, and at 6.a.m. today already -27 C

frozen in Nizhniy...

2006-01-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

So, Vivien,
I guess I've been procrastinating. And as it often happens the might of civiliztion and the beauty of modern technology have to get through the coat of armor of my procrastination to finally reach me. So I actually USED AIM today, wonderful. And I talked to you and Vera, which made this simple and useful tool even more fascinating. I know you guys are having your exams now, so good luck. And like I promised I'll be calling you both shortly;)

The greatest news is not AIM and not what the weird Russians call Old New Year (Старый Новый Год) which takes place January,13, Vera's name day:)

but the fact that I had my LOVE come here to see me and make so incredibly happy. I had you all to myself, greedy me... well most of the time, occasionally sharing your brain with your laptop and iPod, and your stomach with my Mom and her great cooking (btw the second you were gone, like I had predicted, all the beer disappeared from the fridge and the feast and the cooking stopped. Although I have to admit yesterday I ate like a kilo of tangerines).

I miss you, Ty, more than anybody.

And I miss my friends, too. Hey, you, La MaMaites? Do you ever read the stuff that I post here? I guess not... Well anyway it's our first anniversary, it's been a year since I said that I'm on Vicodin. And that green is the color of hope...

Hey, you: Adny, Sarah, John, where are you? I miss you! All of you.

In any case Love you all, and sending you the warm olga-smiles and hugs from Russia where now its about -1 C, and in the end of the week - -35 C (just out of curiousity convert it to Farenheit:)

love,
bolgaball

2005-12-11T06:39:00.000-08:00

they forgot that they are in love! how could you?
stupid, selfish...YOUNG
the point is you'll never get a second chance
just think of how wonderful she looks when she's naked. and YOU are the only person who can tell her this. it's hard to even breathe without her. imagine her belonging to someone else but you. and that is how it's going to be.
this is your last chance to be together. i'm not sure you understand this.

she'll leave you simply to stay alive

2005-12-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

i've started to lose hope
i guess this is what they meant by the pursuit of happiness

2005-11-17T07:52:00.000-08:00

oh, btw, I'm considering taking up smoking again!

but only as a "special-occasion, after-sex" thing

so let's commemorate THE frustration

current mood: pepper mint. sublimation (sex and cigarettes substituted by chewing gum)

love u, adny

P.S. and GREEN's still the color of hope, right?

2005-11-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

current mood

2005-11-12T10:37:00.000-08:00

funny, but i suppose i do look like a deerhunter looking for a husband

i bet it's because i'm from nizhny

2005-11-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

does one have the right to hurt the feelings of the person that he/she loves?

does the fact the the first person suffers more than the one he/she hurts count?

does it make any difference if i tell you i don't love you anymore?

and does it make you feel worse if i tell you that i actually used to love you?
more than you think i did, more than it hurts now.
i guess you can just say it's my problem

and i WILL agree, just the way i always do
so that it hurts me more than it does hurt you

2005-10-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

i lost my face today. or did it happen earlier?

i am a worthless creature.

...et je te rends ton amour

pour toujours

FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-10-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

она жила ещё 2 часа..
она сказала, что главное - выдержка

2005-10-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

just tell me one thing. do you think it feels good to find out one day that the one you love, and the one whom you wanted to free from the burden of your existence, has started to get over you?
something that you wanted to happen, something that you feared more than anything has actually come true.
and the strangest thing is that YOU are the only one to blame.

... don't want you thinking i'm unhappy
what is closer to the truth
that if i lived till i was a hundred and two
i just don't think i'll ever get over you ...

2005-09-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

i guess i'll die another day
it's not my time to go

2005-09-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

without words

Beslan happened today.

БЕЗ СЛОВ

2005-08-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

unfortunatley, these are not aguas de marco sweeping away the good u.s. memories for me now... although the part of France unknown to me is with me, the part of Hungary and NYC...
agua de beber is killing my memories somewhere on this planet, where ironically enough people have started to die of dehidration.
simply because of this 'water to drink'

not so gaga
just very sad,

Água de beber
Água de beber camará

2005-08-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

it's been a really good day!
i know that somebody will love me, although will never propose;)

what can you do?

promises made... promises kept
but somebody said
'true love leaves no traces'
and jumped off the bridge
promises kept
that's what he said
all because...
well because...
he was a schizo
who truly believed that promises made are promises kept

2005-08-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

???
PROTECTION

this girl i know needs some shelter
she don't believe anyone can help her
she's doing so much harm, doing so much damage
but you don't want to get involved
you tell her she can manage
and you can't change the way she feels
but you could put your arms around her
i know you want to live yourself
but could you forgive yourself
if you left her just the way
you found her

i stand in front of you
i'll take the force of the blow
protection

you're a boy and i'm a girl
but you know you can lean on me
and i don't have no fear
i'll take on any man here
who says that's not the way it should be

i stand in front of you
take the force of the blow
protection

she's a girl and you're a boy
sometimes you look so small, you look so small
you got a baby of your own
when your baby's grown, she'll be the one
to catch you when you fall

stand in front of you
take the force of the blow
protection

you're a girl and i'm a boy

sometimes you look so small, need some shelter
just runnin round and round, helter skelter
and i've leaned on you for year
snow you can lean on mean that's more than love, that's the way
it should benow i can't change the way you think
but i can put my arms around you
that's just part of the deal
that's the way i feel
i put my arms around you

i stand in front of you
take the force of the blow
protection

you're a boy and i'm a girl

i was 10 years old when someone was making out to this. (hope these people had a good time)

my time came soon. too soon.
it started when i was f*n 10. no arms or all arms in the wrong places. and no PROTECTION
i need to find out where all this is coming from: 11 years ago, 14? i need to know the time first.
when

2005-08-21T05:25:00.000-07:00

who is that one person who chooses who is going to be the one starring in the last episodes of "Sex and the City", dance in ABT and who's going to die at th age of 45 and paly a part of a psycopath in "Die Hard"
Alexander Godunov. deceased.died a long time ago. having 'defected'.........
what is it the enticing American freedom that killed you? was it Mary Antin who stabbed you in the back?
or was it the Russian soul that driving you to depression and alcoholism, giving you the wings to fly in the Bolshoi, deprived you of the ability to live happily aver after with Ms. Bisset in the Promissed Land.
Do i have to die when i turn 45?
no on www.deathclock.com it is said i'm gonna day on Tuesday, October 16, 2063 (realistic prognosis)
Monday, August 2, 2038 (pessimistic)
Monday, October 16, 2023 (sadistic)
Wednesday, December 27, 2079 (optimistic)
well, those of you who want to drink some kompot at my funeral write down these dates
(although everything may change easily if i take up smoking again, gain weight or change my sex)

so here's to your gorgeous body, dear Alexander, to your wonderful soul,
and to my fat ass who has lost all the chances to ever become a dancer's one (God, I can't belive i could be a dancer... well now whenever people look at what i am sitting on now they feel , or better say don't feel like they are sitting with what was supposed to be once a ballerina-to-be in the future)

someone said about Alexander: "He had a big and bright future in the past".
maybe i did too

2005-08-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

On the 1st day

...on the 1st day God created atmosphere, on the second day - rhythm. He created some other shit including beat, migraines, hangovers, broken toes when you hit a foot against your beloved couch... He also invented such things as a broken heart and a pain in the ass (happening simultaneously, they may lead one to schizophrenia, depression, death or… to the fridge, your new beloved friend from this moment on).
Unfortunately, Tyler, who is never probably going to read this embarrassment, is the only person who can fully appreciate the passage about God and 7 days of creation.
But well, what can you do? As one wise woman said once, “You’re my lover. Undercover. You’re my secret passion and I have no other.”
Those, indeed, were some brilliant words (God damn it, is there a way you can cut and paste sarcasm, or at least some irony, with these things?) in my case referring to the unforgettable 4a.m. cheesecakes and my affair with NYC.

On the 4th day the GaGa blog was created, let’s just see what’s gonna happen…
Bipolars don’t live long (as well as polar bears, in fact), neither do their masterpieces.
From the gagaism creator (Dadaists would have probably killed me now for plagiarism. But who cares? Mayakovsky’s dead anyway, and the neo-futurists are not going to unite with museum volunteers to shoot me down). Bang-bang.